Nothing was the same

So I know it's been a good while since e posted something on here. To be honest, I haven't felt any passion for writing in the past two years. Today though, I feel like I need to get this off my chest.  Today marks two years when my whole life changed. A day that stays on repeat in the corners of my mind. A day that still till this day brings me great heartache. Todays marks the day that my brother passed away and began his next adventure.

My brother was sick and needed and kidney transplant. He didn't want to take one from his family or his friends even though we offered. He always hoped that his time would come for his name to be called on the transplant list but it never came. Maybe if I had pushed hard enough for him to see if I was a match he still be around. That's is one of my biggest regrets of my life.

On the 2nd of April, I had just gotten back from Atlanta. Around 1 in the am, I saw him covered in sweat and gasping for breathe. I call 911, they came, and we went to the er. I had work that afternoon but I was not leaving until I got an update. Around 6 in the am, my grandpa said the doctor was keeping him there to run some test so he could come home. Little did I know at the the he wouldn't make it back home

On the 4th, we got a saying something was wrong with his heart. I told my job what was going on and the family went to the hospital. On the ride there, I just called all my cousins that I could get hold of and my dad to let them know what was going on. On the ride there I was just praying everything would be ok. We got there and he was ok. They had to do something to see what was wrong with his heart. Before he went in, he was crying and scared. Out of my 28 years of living, I ever seen him like that. In my eyes he was always this strong, tough man and to see him like that broke me but I was being strong for him and my family. He got out he was dazed from the drugs but talking. He was talking to everyone in the room, and where he wanted to talk to me, I broke down crying and I never got to hear what he wanted to tell me. That's my 2nd biggest regret. I spent the whole day in the hospital and when our came to take over, I left and told him I would see him later.

On the sixth, I had the day off so I went up there and spent the day with him. Of course my grandpa beat me up there so I grab him some food. My bro did his dyias and come back to the room. The door figure out what was wrong with his heart and made plans to fix it that Tuesday. So after my grandpa left, me and my brother just talked and hanged. We hadn't done that in forever but it just felt right. We was talking about the newest phone that was coming out and what he was going to do for his daughter birthday. It just like old times. When our fried came to see him, I told him goodbye and I would see him this weekend. Little did I know that was on my last time seeing him alive.

On the 8th, I got off from work and had to make a quick stop. I called my brother to see if he was up...no answer. So I went to the house. My grandpa asked if I saw my brother. I told him that I called, he did answer so he must be asleep so I would see him tomorrow.

On the 9th, I went to work early and then went for a run. Afterwards I went home. My gray asked did I see my brother because everyone else in the house did. I told him no but I had an off day Monday so I was going to spend the day with him. That is my 3rd biggest regret because Monday never came.

After 10:30 that night, my family got a call that would change our lives forever. First the house phone rang. My grandpa answered. Two minutes later my mom phone rang. She answered. Next thing I know my mom is crying like I never seen her cry before. My grandpa tells me my brother had a heart attack and we need to go to the hospital now. As I get  putting on anything I could found, I just asked God to let him be ok. I calling my cousins and my dad to let them know what was happening will trying to be strong for my mom. That drive to the hospital was the fastest yet longest drive of my life. When we pulled up I let my mom out and I went to find some where to park. When I park I just asked how to let my brother be ok. Of he needed to take anyone then let it be me but don't make my brother away from the family and his kids. He has so much much to do. After that prayer, I walking into the hospital. I walk into my pastor and his son. They asked if he was ok and I just said I didn't know. I walked in my friend told me not to pass her. I ask what happened. She says nothing, only lowers had head and shakes it. In my head I knew what happened at that point but I didn't want to believe it. I ask where he at, she tells me and I ran to his room and saw him. His body was there, his eyes were opened, but there's was no one inside. I still didn't want to believe until I saw my mom. She was in so much pain, crying so hard that it I had no choice but to appect it......my brother was gone and he was never coming back

The following next few days, I felt every emotion under the sun. I felt numb, like I was here but my soul was somewhere else. People would check on me and tell me things would get better, but I didn't want to here it. The only thing that would get me back to normal would be my brother. It got so bad that I wasn't eating, didn't sleep, and cry all the time that I just couldn't take it anymore. I was angry at god, like why you had to take him away. It got to a point where depression hit hard and I didn't want to deal with it anymore. The one thing that saved me from going off the deep end was my baby cousin. Idk why, but seeing her just just want I needed and I will be forever grateful for that.

So fast forward and is it time for the home going service. I had prepare myself for that day all week, but it didn't help at all. Seeing him in the casket just hurt my soul so bad. I wanted him just to get out of it but o knew he wouldn't. My mom, his kids, and myself got up to see him one last time when everyone got done viewing him. Then we closed the lid on the casket. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. The service goes on and folks are saying what my brother meant to them. I knew my time was coming but I had nothing to say. I couldn't just sum up my brother life in just a few minutes. When it was time, I just got up and the words just flew out. I don't remember what I said, but all I know is that they came from the heart. After the pastor said his peace, they blessed the body, loaded the casket into the hearse, and that was it. I wouldn't see him again in person.

As I write this, the tears are flowing and the hurt is this felt and that's ok. All that means is that my brother was/is an important person in my life. Since he left, I definitely have not been the same. Things don't get to me like they used to. I don't get angry or worry about things like I used to. I used to think death was the end, but in reality it's only the beginning of the next adventure. Even though he is not here in body, in some ways I can still feel his energy so I know he is still around in one way or another.

In his passing, my brother thought me to important lesson. The first thing is don't take no one for granted. You don't know how much time you have with people so tell and show them how you feel about them. The second thing is to you don't know when your time is coming so do live your life to the fullest and chase your dreams. You don't want to look back and life in a world of regrets/what ifs.

In closing, my brother passing still gets to me to this day and I think it will always. The way I can honor him is to life live with no regrets, and be the man he knew I could be. Johnathan, I love you and miss you so much. I will look after your kids, the family, and fo my best to make you proud. Like I said on night of your passing, I will see you again down the road. Just be ready for all the stories I will have to tell you when that day comes. Love, your little brother.

Dreams/Goals/Passions

What is the "American Dream?' To most people, it is to work hard at a job, earn good money, and to live a good/comfortable life. While that is good for most, that is not the case for all. I know the latter applies to me. Since high school, all I have heard was go to college, and do good so you can land a great job.  Doing that time, I believed that was the way to go. I really thought that was the way to get the "American Dream." All that changed one faithful day in the summer of 2012.

During this time, I was in the home stretch of my college career. I didn't know what job/career I wanted after school. I had an idea of what I eventually wanted to do. All of that changed one summer day. I was on the way to class when a random idea came into my mind; "Start a t-shirt brand" With that one thought, the name and concept of the brand came flowing in my mind. I had never wanted to go into doing t-shirts. Hell the idea of starting my own business never accord to me, but in that one instance, I knew what I wanted to do.

Everyone I talked to about the idea, from friends to family, believed my idea was good and I could make something of it. As my last semester of college was coming to an end, I has getting ready to graduate. With the end of college, I was heading into "The Real World." even though it was sink or swim time, I wasn't worried or afraid. I didn't know how, but I knew everything would work out. I was ready to turn my idea into a reality.

After school, I began to design. I worked on this project like my life depend on it. In order to begin that process, I needed money which meant I needed a job. I thought since I had a degree, finding a job would be easy. Boy was I wrong. It seemed like everywhere I applied for a job I would get rejected from. It came to a point where I put my focus only on finding a job that I did not work on my idea.

After what seemed like forever and a day, I finally landed a job. It was not the best of jobs, but it was something to get my bills paid, and for me to put some money aside. I planned on working there while looking for a better job, and work on my idea.. As time went on, I continued working there at that job while more ideas came to mind. Occasionally, I would work on my idea of the t-shirt brand, but it seemed like the "Real Word" had other plans. Between work, being an "Adult," and trying not to lose myself in this world, somewhere down that path I had forsaken my dream. It seemed like I was living the "American Dream", but not my own.

Time flew by and what I thought would be a job that would last only a few months has turn into a 3 year stay. During these 3 years, I have worked my ass of for what? No raise/promotion and not even a mention of one from the higher ups. All of my current and former coworkers would tell me I should have been a manager by now, but I guess the higher ups don't see it like that. I just fed up with that job. I am sick of feeling like my hard work doesn't mean shit. I am tired of not getting paid what I think I should be. I am sick of feeling like a caged bird. In a nut shell, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I asked god/universe for guidance/direction because I am nowhere near where I feel like I should be at in this journey called life. There's an old saying that says be careful for what you ask for because you just might get it. Recently, I bumped into one of my old teachers from high school. After catching up, he asked t-shirt brand I told him about a few years ago. After I told him what was going on with it, he gave me some encouraging words, and told me to get back working on it. A few days later, I spoke to one of my best friends and he told me he had quit his job. He had been talking about this for a while, but he finally pulled the trigger. When I asked him what made him finally go through with it, his reasons weren't to far from mines. He didn't like his jib, he wanted to do more, and he wanted to work on his dream. Even though he had a good job that paid way more than what I make, I have never seen him happier and more at ease than he is now.

After those events, the fire has been relit inside of me. That was the kick in the ass I needed, I am more focused than ever to make my dreams a  reality. I know it won't be an easy task, but nothing that is worth anything comes easy. I believe  I had to be put in this situation to show me what will happen if I don't follow my dreams now. I going to stuck at a dead end job. I will eventually become complacent like I see many of my coworkers are. My dreams will die, I would live in the world of "What if," and I won't truly be happy or free. Now it is up to me to make the right steps/moves and put in some hard work . Eventually all of  my dreams/goal will come true, and I will be a better person from going though tis experience. Instead of living the "American Dream," I going start living my dream/goals/passions and bringing forth my thoughts into reality. That first step begins now, so lets see what this journey takes me.

"I pledge my love to you"

Well folks, I am back again. I know I have not posted anything for a while, but  that do to the fact that I have been busy with an assortment of things. I will get into that at a later time, but now it is time to get into the topic at hand. Wedding season has officially began, and earlier this month I went to my first wedding of this season. Of course I was going there to support the groom, which so happened to be my cousin, and his soon to be wife. It didn't hurt that I had a week off from work too, but that is nether here nor there. What I thought was going to be a trip to see family, have a good time, and just get a chance of scenery turned into so much more. Before we into that, lets start at the beginning.

My cousin and his now wife have been together for about six years now. They met at college and pretty much been stuck like glue since then. Folks would occasionally ask when were they going to jump the broom. Of course, he would play off the question or give the classic "When the time is right" answer. Well the time was right because about two years ago, my cousin surprised her, popped the question, and she said yes. Fast forward to about 7 months ago, the official date for the wedding was announced. Now fast forward to this past weekend and the wedding is only 24 hours away.

Its the day of the wedding, and I am tired like a mug. I think I went a little too hard with the partying the night before, but that is a tale for another day. We get to the venue, and it seems like all of their classmates from college were there along with family. Five o clock hits, and the wedding begins. The family was escorted down to their sits, music starts planning, the wedding party walk down the aisle, and the ceremony begins. As the wedding was going on the couple begin to say their vows. What got me was when the bride saying her vows. To summarize, she said that she never thought she would fall in love, but then she met my cousin and that idea changed, and she was thankfully to God for him. Another part that caught my attention is when they were repeating after the pastor...."I Pledge My Love To." I would not understand why until the reception would happen.

So the reception begins and the newlyweds come in together. They have their first dance , and all the married couples came on the floor to celebrate with them. Seeing all the married people together having fun, and loving each other sparked an idea in my mind....."You Deserve This. You Deserve To Be Happy And In Love." As these thoughts were going on in my mind, the line "I Pledge My Love To You" kept  replaying in my mind. At first, I just took those words that at face value. After seeing all the married couples together, I finally understood what those words meant. To me, those words meant that there is no other human on this world that can love me better than you. It means that I am giving you the one thing that many have tried to obtain, but did not measure up to you. It means no matter what life throws at us, I will be by your side. In its simplest form, it means I love you and I will always will.

To sum it up, the wedding was awesome. I got to go a trip, see family, and watch two people become one couple. I also got a better understanding on what this thing called love is really about. Now after reading this, you must be wondering "Is he ready for love?" To be honest, why not. I feel like there is love out there for me, and I am ready for it whenever that person comes. I am open to any and all things god/the universe has in store for me. When this will all happen?  Only the most high can answer that question, but I will keep yall posted. Well folks that is it. As always, live, be great, and do dope shit.

Under Control

Well folks, its about that time once again. Now if you have some of my previous post, you know I have talked about a very special person I met in college. Well today marks the day eight years ago that I met that person. For the OG readers, yall probably like " here we go again with all that sappy stuff again." Some of  yall might have not even made it past the third line of this post. For those of you who are still reading this, rest assured in the fact that I will not be getting into my feelings like I usually do on this subject. This post will be dealing with her, but in a different way than usual.

So after all this time thinking, missing, and wondering about her, I have come to face reality and the truth. The reality is no matter how much I may try not to, a part of me will love this woman. The truth, however is that it is time for me to move on. In speaking on the reality, I had to think about why I haven't/couldn't get over her. after a lot of thinking, I have come with two possible reasons. The first is that she really could be my soulmate/the one. people always say that you know when you have found the one. They don't tell you how just tell you that you will know. Sometimes, when thinking about my future, the first image that pops up in my head is her.  Sometimes I image we are having full blown talks with her about any and everything. In doing all of that, I realize the second reason why I can't get over her. She represent the idea of me loving someone. For the longest, I did not anything to do with love. I just wanted to be alone forever. Then see came along and changed that idea. Maybe she represents the idea, and I just love her for giving me that idea. Who knows.

After facing the reality, its then time for me to accept the truth. I been stick/hung up on this woman for way to long. I haven't talked to her in I don't know how long, and I never told her how I felt. I may not know to how about love, but one thing that I do know is that when it hits you, you should be able to tell that person with no problem. Am I afraid to tell her, Partly yes. I don't know if I well the same way about her as I did way back in the day. I don't know where she at in life. Hell I don't know if she is single or not. Instead of doing all of this wondering, hoping, and praying that we will meet up in the future, maybe its just time for me to look for love with someone else. Maybe she was just there to show me how to have love for someone and the results of not telling them. Again, who knows.

With all of this being said, I think this will be the last time I write about her....maybe. Look, I don't know what the future may hold between mr and he her. Only god knows that. A wise person once said that people come to a lives to either be a lesson or a blessing. I thing with her, I think she is both a blessing and lesson. The blessing was to let me know what love is and what it feels like. The lesson is to not keep that feeling to myself. If I ever feel that way about someone, I will let them know in a heartbeat without a second thought neither.  So as for right now, I feel like I have everything under control. Who knows what the future will hold. What shall be will be. on that note folks. its time for me to get off this thing. As always....live, be great, do dope shit.

Words I Could Never Say

Well folks, if you are expecting this to be some kind of day in the life/pop culture/live event post, then this is not that kind of post for today. In fact, I do not know what exactly this post will end up saying. You may be wondering why I am writing this for. To be honest, I do not why myself. I just felt complied to write. this, like something drawing me to type all of this out. Really, this is more like getting this of my soul and lifting some baggage of my self. This post is basically saying the things I wish I could tell a special someone. So here we go....

To that special someone,
It has been about 7 years since we last saw each other.
A lot has happened between then and now.
The times have changed. The world has changed. We have changed
Between the distance from the last time we saw each other until this very moment, we have both grown, went/still going through life, and experience different things.
We are not the same people that we was once were back in the days of the valley.
In the time between then and now, I have realized a thing or two.
I have realized that since that time, I have missed you dearly.
I have realized that I am a fool for not keeping in contract with you.
I have realized how special you are to me.
Last but not least, I have realized two important things.
Those things are that I loved you, and I should have told you that back then.

Why didn't I tell you this back then, or even now.
Why do I feel this way.
The reason I din not say anything was I honestly did not thing I had a change with someone like you.
In my eyes, I was just a regular ol joe and you were perfect.
I did no think a person like you would want anything to do with a person like me.
On top of that, I had some issues that I felt like I needed to handle alone, so I pushed you away and destroyed our friendship.
Even though we fixed things, nothing really was the same afterwards,
We eventually drifted apart.
But in that time apart, I realized how I felt about you and the reason why.

I loved you because you saw me as a person.
I loved how we would just hang out, eat at the café, and go to different stuff around the campus.
I loved how your smile could brighten up my day.
I loved how your light/energy could bring out the best in in me.
I loved how you accepted me as I was, and did not try to change me.
I love how we could just be silly around each other, no matter who was around.
In all, I loved the person that you were...mind, body, and soul

Now I know that we both have our own life.
We both are own paths on this journey called life that has taken down different roads.
The us then vs the us now are two different people.
You are living your live right now and I am doing the same.
But no matter where life has/will take us, one thing will never change.
Your were, still, and always will be someone special to me that I hold dear.

Now on the off change that you will read this, you maybe thing I am trying together with you.
While I would like for us to be together, this is no the point of this.
By now, you are probably a lucky man's lady and are happy together.
That is all I want for you is to be happy, whether that be with me or someone else.
I want you to be successful in whatever you do in life.
I want your light to shine in this world.
I want you to do want ever makes you happy in life.
All in all, I just want you to be happy.
who knows what the cards hold for us.
Maybe one day, if the most  high will allow it, we will once again meet up and be in each others lives again.
If that ever happens, then these words that I am typing now will transform into words that I can tell you.

The Thing About Something

OK folks. I know I haven't been on here in a while and to be honest, I really don't have a reason why. With all the stuff that's been going on in the world, you would thing I would have something to talk about. While that may be the case, I just haven't felt like blogging. Why you may ask? Once again I don't know.

Don't get me wrong. I like blogging. Sometimes it is more helpful to write about some of this stuff. Hopefully may stuff will help someone out or inspire them to do something. Why would I stop writing then? Well, to be honest, I just be in a funk lately. I don't enjoy some of the things I used to, and I haven't really do none of the stuff that makes me happy. Between work and family issues, a you king is drained. Hell anyone would be. So how do I pull myself out of this funk? The thing about something project.

So what is The Thing About Something? Well its a project which will not only help me out of this runt, it will also help me to become a better writer. Basically, I got six one subject notebooks and I going to write in there everyday until they are filled up. The topics will range from any and everything. Once a week, I going to pick something that I wrote and post it up here. Hopefully this will help me to become a better writer, person, and get me out of this funk.

So this is about the end of this post. It wasn't nothing major but I just wanted to keep folks in the loop. As the project processes, who knows what will come from it. Hell from all I know. I could be writing a best selling novel and I don't even know it. All I know is I felt the most high put this on my heart to do so I know something will come from this that will help me for the better. Well that's all folks. Until next time......Live. Be Great. Do Dope Shit.

To Be Black in America....From negus to Ni:::s

Throughout history, black people have been getting the short end of the stick in the land of the free and the home of the Braves. From being taken from Africa to be sold as slaves to still be treated as second class citizens in a country that we helped build, black people have had a long and twisted history with this country. Lately, even though it's been happening for over 400 years, blacks have seemingly been targeted and killed. We also have been under attack for how we react to this crimes. It seems like there is a big discount with black America and the rest of America. Why might you ask? Well besides a number of reasons, and trust me there's a lot, I feel one of the main reason is that the rest of America thinks it has an idea on what it is like to be black in this country, but in reality they have the slightest idea. So in this post, I will try to get my non black readers to understand how it feels, at least for me, to be black in America.

To be black in America, to start this off, is an interesting experience to say the least.  For me, it is like America needs us but does not want to keeps us. To be black in America, you need to be aware of the history that started over 400 years ago. If you look at the time pre 400 years ago, you will see an amazing thing that is not written in most history books. You will see a time where we were kings, queens, warriors, and tribal leaders. You we see, if you look hard enough, that we had strong traditions and we were living and striving. As you can image, we were living as Negus. 

To be black in America is to know a sad fact. Over 400 years ago, we were kidnapped and stolen from our homeland in Africa and brought to America as slaves.To be black in America is to know that all of our traditions, stories, and families were almost lost over a thing called slavery. We were sold and treat like animals. We were considered property not people, and at one time we were not even considered to be a person by the law of the land. To be black in America is to know that were Negus at first, but as soon as we were brought to America, they took that word a turn it into something negative in there own way. Basically, we went from Negus to Niggers.

Now that you know part of the history, let's fast forward to present times. To be black in America can be quite difficult at times. Its to know 9 times out of 10, the cards are stacked against you. You could go to the best school in the country, have a number of degrees, and still be turned down for a job that you are qualify to do for someone who is less qualify, Its to know some people will treat you like crap now matter how you act or how you dress. To be black in America is to know that you can be dressed fresh to death/sharp as a tack and still be treated like a second class citizen.

To be black in America is to know that this country will take the coolest/must important things in our life/culture,and make it there own. Now I am all for sharing culture and viewpoints, but please give credit where credit is due. Its like our history is not being realized at all among the rest of non black America. We have black history month, but 28 days is not enough for the rest of America to see our contribution to this country. Its like Black people lives began with slavery in the eyes of America, but way before then we had a long rich history. Then some history books want to amend slavery from the history books and pretend it never happened.

I could go on and on we this but before this post is over, I will touch on one more outlook on black in America. To be black in America is to have a target on you back. These days, you will be attack by the police, the media,  the politicians, and even ourselves at times. To be black is to know you may and will be killed for just about anything. You can be walking home from the gas station, holding a bb gun at Walmart, coming home from from your bachelor party, or just looking suspicious. To be black in America is like being treated like scum but expected to act like a model citizen when shit pops up. When blacks people riot for an injustice, they will be called thugs and savages. When other people riot for no just reason, people and the media have nothing bad to say about them. They will look for any reason to blame us for our own problem, but they will not address the real source of the problem.

Well I think you got a little insight on the black experience in America. Although its not all bad, the bad does out weigh the bad most of the time. Even though we go through all of this, we still shine and over come. I know there will some people that will disagree with this post, and that is alright. Either you don't know what it is like to be black in this country, you just have not gone through these things, or you just do not care. Once again I am not speak for all black people. I just speaking from my outlook on things. At the end of the day, I am a black man with Negus blood in my veins.