So I know it's been a good while since e posted something on here. To be honest, I haven't felt any passion for writing in the past two years. Today though, I feel like I need to get this off my chest. Today marks two years when my whole life changed. A day that stays on repeat in the corners of my mind. A day that still till this day brings me great heartache. Todays marks the day that my brother passed away and began his next adventure.
My brother was sick and needed and kidney transplant. He didn't want to take one from his family or his friends even though we offered. He always hoped that his time would come for his name to be called on the transplant list but it never came. Maybe if I had pushed hard enough for him to see if I was a match he still be around. That's is one of my biggest regrets of my life.
On the 2nd of April, I had just gotten back from Atlanta. Around 1 in the am, I saw him covered in sweat and gasping for breathe. I call 911, they came, and we went to the er. I had work that afternoon but I was not leaving until I got an update. Around 6 in the am, my grandpa said the doctor was keeping him there to run some test so he could come home. Little did I know at the the he wouldn't make it back home
On the 4th, we got a saying something was wrong with his heart. I told my job what was going on and the family went to the hospital. On the ride there, I just called all my cousins that I could get hold of and my dad to let them know what was going on. On the ride there I was just praying everything would be ok. We got there and he was ok. They had to do something to see what was wrong with his heart. Before he went in, he was crying and scared. Out of my 28 years of living, I ever seen him like that. In my eyes he was always this strong, tough man and to see him like that broke me but I was being strong for him and my family. He got out he was dazed from the drugs but talking. He was talking to everyone in the room, and where he wanted to talk to me, I broke down crying and I never got to hear what he wanted to tell me. That's my 2nd biggest regret. I spent the whole day in the hospital and when our came to take over, I left and told him I would see him later.
On the sixth, I had the day off so I went up there and spent the day with him. Of course my grandpa beat me up there so I grab him some food. My bro did his dyias and come back to the room. The door figure out what was wrong with his heart and made plans to fix it that Tuesday. So after my grandpa left, me and my brother just talked and hanged. We hadn't done that in forever but it just felt right. We was talking about the newest phone that was coming out and what he was going to do for his daughter birthday. It just like old times. When our fried came to see him, I told him goodbye and I would see him this weekend. Little did I know that was on my last time seeing him alive.
On the 8th, I got off from work and had to make a quick stop. I called my brother to see if he was up...no answer. So I went to the house. My grandpa asked if I saw my brother. I told him that I called, he did answer so he must be asleep so I would see him tomorrow.
On the 9th, I went to work early and then went for a run. Afterwards I went home. My gray asked did I see my brother because everyone else in the house did. I told him no but I had an off day Monday so I was going to spend the day with him. That is my 3rd biggest regret because Monday never came.
After 10:30 that night, my family got a call that would change our lives forever. First the house phone rang. My grandpa answered. Two minutes later my mom phone rang. She answered. Next thing I know my mom is crying like I never seen her cry before. My grandpa tells me my brother had a heart attack and we need to go to the hospital now. As I get putting on anything I could found, I just asked God to let him be ok. I calling my cousins and my dad to let them know what was happening will trying to be strong for my mom. That drive to the hospital was the fastest yet longest drive of my life. When we pulled up I let my mom out and I went to find some where to park. When I park I just asked how to let my brother be ok. Of he needed to take anyone then let it be me but don't make my brother away from the family and his kids. He has so much much to do. After that prayer, I walking into the hospital. I walk into my pastor and his son. They asked if he was ok and I just said I didn't know. I walked in my friend told me not to pass her. I ask what happened. She says nothing, only lowers had head and shakes it. In my head I knew what happened at that point but I didn't want to believe it. I ask where he at, she tells me and I ran to his room and saw him. His body was there, his eyes were opened, but there's was no one inside. I still didn't want to believe until I saw my mom. She was in so much pain, crying so hard that it I had no choice but to appect it......my brother was gone and he was never coming back
The following next few days, I felt every emotion under the sun. I felt numb, like I was here but my soul was somewhere else. People would check on me and tell me things would get better, but I didn't want to here it. The only thing that would get me back to normal would be my brother. It got so bad that I wasn't eating, didn't sleep, and cry all the time that I just couldn't take it anymore. I was angry at god, like why you had to take him away. It got to a point where depression hit hard and I didn't want to deal with it anymore. The one thing that saved me from going off the deep end was my baby cousin. Idk why, but seeing her just just want I needed and I will be forever grateful for that.
So fast forward and is it time for the home going service. I had prepare myself for that day all week, but it didn't help at all. Seeing him in the casket just hurt my soul so bad. I wanted him just to get out of it but o knew he wouldn't. My mom, his kids, and myself got up to see him one last time when everyone got done viewing him. Then we closed the lid on the casket. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. The service goes on and folks are saying what my brother meant to them. I knew my time was coming but I had nothing to say. I couldn't just sum up my brother life in just a few minutes. When it was time, I just got up and the words just flew out. I don't remember what I said, but all I know is that they came from the heart. After the pastor said his peace, they blessed the body, loaded the casket into the hearse, and that was it. I wouldn't see him again in person.
As I write this, the tears are flowing and the hurt is this felt and that's ok. All that means is that my brother was/is an important person in my life. Since he left, I definitely have not been the same. Things don't get to me like they used to. I don't get angry or worry about things like I used to. I used to think death was the end, but in reality it's only the beginning of the next adventure. Even though he is not here in body, in some ways I can still feel his energy so I know he is still around in one way or another.
In his passing, my brother thought me to important lesson. The first thing is don't take no one for granted. You don't know how much time you have with people so tell and show them how you feel about them. The second thing is to you don't know when your time is coming so do live your life to the fullest and chase your dreams. You don't want to look back and life in a world of regrets/what ifs.
In closing, my brother passing still gets to me to this day and I think it will always. The way I can honor him is to life live with no regrets, and be the man he knew I could be. Johnathan, I love you and miss you so much. I will look after your kids, the family, and fo my best to make you proud. Like I said on night of your passing, I will see you again down the road. Just be ready for all the stories I will have to tell you when that day comes. Love, your little brother.
